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Last updated on 8 June 2008

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Monday, April 26th, 2004

Gratuitous picture of the Sea Monkey Lady with a really cute baby goat!

I am feeling like the belle of the ball right now…everyone seems to want to talk to me. I did another radio interview on Sunday with Robert Church of Petland for QR77 of Calgary, Alberta. It was a fine interview, although they did cut me off at one point! Someone called in to ask why they shouldn’t feed Sea Monkeys to fish, considering they are longer lived and heartier than a brine shrimp. My answer? Because it’s wrong! Would you feed your dog to your piranha as a treat? Of course you wouldn’t, you sick beast!

I had a young man write to me a little while ago asking what would happen if one drank a tank of Sea Monkeys. Completely tired of this question, I went into a detailed account of his intestinal pain caused by a blockage of Sea Monkeys making a home in his colon, and the way to lure them out. Of course Sea Monkeys can live in gastric acid, so there’s no problem there, and I encouraged him to eat a little algae now and then to make sure our briny friends had enough food! He wrote back in fear because he had eaten the tank and was worried now! What the heck? I don’t know how anyone could manage a mouthful, let alone an entire tank of foul algae filled, salty water. (I accidentally drank Sea Monkey water a few years back…There is no way a human being could make it past the first mouthful. Your body would not accept it…I couldn’t even swallow…my throat rebelled and closed up!!!)

This is one of the questions I am asked the most…much to my chagrin. Why does everyone want to either eat Sea Monkeys (like that weird guy who did a performance art piece of drinking Sea Monkeys to demonstrate the subordination of humanity by technology) or feed them to something larger? Is it so hard to understand that our beloved friends are pets, not meat? Why oh why am I surrounded by idiots who think this is amusing???

Okay, maybe there’s something a little amusing about eating Sea Monkeys. I have to think hard to find something that might be a little funny about it…perhaps the phrase “I just ate some Sea Monkeys” is mirth making in some circles, but otherwise nothing.

The moral of this story: Don’t eat Sea Monkeys. Don’t think about it. Don’t encourage it in others. And don’t feed them to fish. You will be punished for all eternity in some horrible way if you do. The end.

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